I don’t keep a journal as often as I do, and while tumblr hasn’t been a consistent record of my past, it is helpful. I like being able to look back.
Anyway, two days until surgery. I’m trying to think back to how I felt on 4/23/13, the last surgery. It seems like a lifetime ago, and it pre-dates any form of record keeping (tumblr or otherwise) so I only remember the things that really stood out to me. I wore the shirt Ellen had made for me, a black t-shirt with glittery white fabric paint that read, “keep calm and run on” with a little intricate crown at the top. I wore it as a sort of good luck charm, hoping I’d be back to running soon. I was so young then. I was listening to music on my iPod touch in the waiting room. My anesthesiologist had a thick Eastern European accent. Afterward I went home and ate beans and rice but promptly threw it up (I won’t be eating so much so soon this time around, lesson learned). Caroline brought me pumpkin bread with chocolate chips. And that’s all I really remember from that day. Those little things.
I’m more cynical now. The recovery is supposed to be easier, but I’m also much weaker at this point in my life. I’m so scared that this will ruin my last semester of undergrad. But god, if I allow myself to hope it could be so so good. The past week I’ve been crying at night, thinking about this. Sad tears and happy tears, not sure how I feel anymore to be honest.
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